"Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind."
--Dr. Seuss
In our ongoing campaign to win the Global War on Small Talk, we have created this brief guide. Of course we all need to occasionally discuss the weather, the lives of celebrities, or our latest trip to Target, but when the small talk has gone on too long, reclaim that middlebrow discussion with any of the following conversation spicer-uppers:
-- If someone offered you two million dollars to forever give up either (a) oral sex (both giving and receiving) or (b) all forms of pork and seafood, which one would you choose? Is giving up either of these delights not worth two million dollars?
-- Could we win the War on Terror if we just agreed to buy every single Arab household a TV and an air conditioner? If we took a tenth of the money we spent trying to kill them and just bought them cool stuff instead (all of which would be manufactured by American workers), would we be more or less safe than we are today?
-- Imagine! You are given the opportunity to permanently cure world hunger. All you have to do (men and women) is screw your choice of either (a) Dr. Phil or (b) Wilfred Brimley, achieving orgasm TWICE in one hour. Who would you choose? Is curing world hunger not worth repeated conjugal relations with either of these beauty queens?
-- Who do you think would win the following death matches:
Pamela Anderson vs. Gary Coleman
Dick Cheney vs. Condoleezza Rice
Cathy Bates vs. Dustin Hoffman
Michael Bloomberg vs. Della Reese
Bob Costas vs. Anne B. Davis
Nicole Simpson vs. Anna Nicole Smith